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Marin Mikulic

Anxiety and commitment

Published almost 3 years ago • 1 min read


Hey Reader,

Some years back, I decided to travel above the Polar circle and hike alone for 9 days.

The logistics of such a trip are a headache. I hadn’t the gear nor the experience. All I had was a feeling I had to do it, which was no guarantee I would. How many things we know need doing, and yet never get done?

I aimed to hike during the melting season in July and the preparations began. What gear to bring? What food? How much of it? Can I even carry 25kg+ over 9 days? How do I get there? What if something happens? What are the reasonable precautions? What if the weather turns foul? What if I run out of toilet paper (hey, you never think of it until you do)?

Yup, I did bring a plush monkey. Long story, but it ought to my make girlfriend smile.

On and on it went. The excitement grew, together with an anxiety that settled on me, touching everything with its uneasy touch.

What if I fail? What if I miss the train? What if I learn that I’m not as strong as I want to believe?”

The anxiety was taking a toll on my nerves, so I went deeper into the preparation. I studied the map, the topographic curves, the elevation, every rock and centimeter of the way. By the end, I had the route memorized.

A 3D topographic view of the Abisko National Park and the surrounding area.

The day of the flight arrived and my anxiety flared. Suppressing the feeling that I’m out of my depth, I boarded the flights, busses, hostels and trains that eventually spat me out at the Abisko Station, on the far north of Sweden. The last real bit of civilisation before the hike.

I hesitated.

“There’s still time to back away and quit.”

The thought drummed in my head, an orchestra of anxiety and doubt. An invisible line barred my way, as if someone had knotted my shoelaces together. All the preparation had led me to this single moment, this reckoning.

There were so many ways things that could go wrong, but also many ways they could go right. I breathed three times and pushed the tip of my boot over the line. I committed and the invisible barrier broke. Anxiety vanished.

The rest was just free falling.


One Question

Can you think of a time when the act of committing removed all doubt and anxiety?

Stay slow,

Marin

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Marin Mikulic

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